German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
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So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
me after eating Cheetos
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”