my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
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My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
yall want some gasoline milk
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Usage Guidelines
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.