I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
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The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Beware of the “party goblin”…
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
dutch so unserious
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
“That’s what” – She
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face