I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
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Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again