The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
You Might Also Like
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.