ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
You Might Also Like
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
never compromise your values
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit