We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
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When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
“That’s what” – She
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
This is me
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭