“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
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I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics