When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
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Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
it must be school picture day
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday: