Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
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IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.