*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
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Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I wanna be friends with this person
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow