Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
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*mops up wine with cat*
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.