It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
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Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
My Sentiments Exactly
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.