I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
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Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️