JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
You Might Also Like
Bloody internet 😳
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.