馃槀
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Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don鈥檛 wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them鈥檚 the rules
When I need you, I close my eyes and I鈥檓 with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
If you need me I鈥檒l be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
I鈥檒l never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn鈥檛 spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
My dad would freak tf out!馃ぃ馃拃
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It鈥檚 New Year鈥檚 Eve not New Years Steve.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink