I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
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Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
What?
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.