*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
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Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
The biggest mystery of our time
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Why is no one talking about this?!
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember