Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
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Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
haha same
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
those birds must be on payroll
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings