Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
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Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.