Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
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I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep