So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
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11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*