I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
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Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.