In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
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went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Self-cleaning conscience
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.