someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
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If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
I need to get some bricks…
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.