I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
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I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4