How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
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date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed