Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
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Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Am I having a stroke?
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*