I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
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It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Me :
All Day At Night
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden: