“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
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[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
12. I think about this all the damn time
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.