If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
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I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Seems kinda suspicious
Cause of death: Zumba
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!