Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
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Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
PER MY LAST EMAIL
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Just a reminder, folks:
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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