Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
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“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Otters see a butterfly.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob