*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
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Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.