The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
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911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
🦝🔥🦝🔥
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!