My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
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You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
this will hang in the louvre one day
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]