God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
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Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Me if I was a dog
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
I’m listening
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.