Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
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Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
yall want some gasoline milk
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
it’s finally my moment to shine
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.