Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
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My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them