I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
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[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.