You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
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Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Wednesday
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
“i miss shittin on people”
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”