So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
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Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
In case you needed to hear it:
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow