Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
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Thinking about Jeff
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,