Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
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Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.