If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
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Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
“What?”
– Jude
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]