The Book. The Movie.
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Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Oh no
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man