I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
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How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Worth a try
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.