😂 amazing answer
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Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that