LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
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If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!