Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
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Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.